Whatsexual
by OtpDrawingWritingThing
Summary: This is yet another fic from my kagehina month (more info on my profile). I suck at summaries but here goes: Kageyama always thought that he was asexual, Hinata is gay and has practically glued himself to the inside of the closet. Discoveries were made, and lots and lots of avoidance. There's so much ranting about sexualities in this fic, and I have no idea where it came from...
1. Chapter 1

You can chose which one of the volleydork duo you want to start with, as chapter one will be from kageyama's point of view and chapter two will be from hinata's point of view. which one you want to start with is entirely up to you.

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[Kageyama's pov]

I'm really confused right now...

I've never felt any sexual attraction towards anyone so I figured that I was asexual. I've never really wanted to do those sort of things, and I've lost track of how many times people have told me that I just haven't met the right person. I always got so irritated by what they were saying because I knew myself better than they did, didn't I? They couldn't possibly know how I work or what I wanted, only I can truly know that, and so I got mad every time someone said something stupid like that. I've also lost track of how many times I've heard people either completely ignore the existence of asexuality or told me that it doesn't exist. That never failed to make me incredibly angry because it does, asexuality does exist, and it's a valid sexuality.

But I guess I'm not asexual considering my newfound urges...

You learn as long as you live I guess. I honestly thought I was asexual because I've never felt any sexual urges towards anyone before, well that is until now, which is why I'm confused. But learning to get to know yourself better is a part of life, and it's not uncommon to mistake your feelings or to categorize yourself wrongly. I thought I hadn't done that though, but it's kind of hard to argue with the hard facts _(Pun not intended until I realized that it could be used as a pun... after that it became hella intended)_. I was so sure that I was asexual...

But then I started wanting to get closer to this person, and I even thought about touching them...

I've never felt like this before. Whenever I saw something dirty or someone showed me something or someone that was supposedly sexy I never felt anything. It was just another picture, just another video, just another person, nothing new and nothing I cared about. I never reacted, and it seemed like everyone else felt some things that I just couldn't, like everyone else had something inside that I didn't.

But now I'm confused because I am actually reacting to someone. I'm so profoundly confused because I feel what everyone always tried so hard to explain. I _want_ someone. I _crave_ someone.

I was supposed to be asexual, I was fine with being asexual. Why am I suddenly feeling these things? Why me? I've never really cared about what others think about my sexuality, and I could always tell them off or just ignore them completely... but now I want to do stuff with someone and my balance is thrown out of the window.

And the reason I'm currently so confused and thrown out of balance is the small bundle of never ending energy that is brimming with utter happiness right in front of me.

Yes Hinata Shouyou is the reason I'm extremely confused right now, and if you haven't already figured it out then hinata is the person I'm currently having feelings for. Feelings that contradict my sexuality. So what does that make me? I guess I'm... demisexual? I think that's what it makes me... demisexual is when you only experience sexual attraction toward someone after you've made an emotional connection with them after all. And I think it's safe to say that I have an emotional connection to hinata...

Now that I think about it... we're practically in sync, and we seem to know the other as if we've known each other our entire life. It's weird... I feel like we're going to be together for the rest of our lives, and the thought that we might part ways some day never crossed my mind to be honest. And now that I have thought about it I realise that I don't want that... I want to be with him... I don't want us to part ways, and I don't want us to be too far away from each other. I want to see him at least three days each week... if I don't see him at least that much then... then I'd feel sad, depressed even. I would prefer to see him every day...

I like hinata don't I? No, maybe I love hinata... Whatever I do or don't, I know that I definitely want him. I can't deny that.

He's been avoiding me lately though, and it's starting to piss me off. Then again, I only realised how much I actually want him, how I feel about him, because of him avoiding me. Because I started getting unusually irritated. I started to crave his presence, needing him to be by my side, wanting to do things I've never wanted to do before. Like pinning him to a wall and doing unspeakable things to him. I find him sexy, which is incredibly weird because I have never found anyone or anything sexy before. I'm not sure if I could control myself if I were in a situation where I was alone with him and he was doing something I found sexy.

It's still weird to think about that... I actually find someone sexy... that is so weird... I can actually understand things I couldn't really grasp completely before. Like finding someone sexy. I never REALLY understood that before I started feeling the way I do about hinata. I thought I understood it completely, but I really didn't. You don't really know how something feels until you've felt it yourself I guess...

Now if hinata would stop running away from me that would be great. He's been avoiding me with a passion for a while now, and I don't understand why. There's a shitload of reasons going through my head, but they all seem too farfetched, and I ended up on it somehow being my fault. I'm not good with the whole socially right or wrong and I'm especially bad with self awareness, so I probably did something wrong without knowing it again. But I still have something important I want to tell him, so I'm kind of pissed at how good he is at avoiding me.

This time he's not getting away though.

I made sure that we'd be the last ones in the clubroom, and when hinata realised that fact he hurriedly finished up and scurried for the door. He didn't get to go out though, because I'm blocking his way.

"Why are you avoiding me?" I ask. There's no way for him to escape now, and judging by the expression he's wearing, I'd say he knows it. His expression is like a deer caught in the headlights.

"I-I'm not avoiding you..." he replies.

"Yeah right. You've been trying your hardest to not be alone with me, and to not be with me more than necessarily. But let's forget about that for now... Hinata Shouyou, I always thought I was asexual, but it would seem I was mistaken... because I want you, so please go out with me." I said, and hinata got this really blank expression. I think he's processing what I said. I think it's safe to say that he wasn't expecting that, but then again it did come out of the blue. For him at least. I've known that it was coming for a long while now.

"Hinata?" I ask hesitantly. He still haven't moved an inch, and he looks deep in thought. Was it really that surprising for him?

"I uh... so... does that mean you're gay?" hinata eventually asked, and I really wanted to facepalm at that.

"No, just because I'm male and like another male doesn't necessarily mean I'm gay... Or well I might be, but I don't think so seeing as I don't find anyone other than you attractive. I think I'm demisexual." I answer him truthfully.

"Oh..." he replies, his hand on his chin, deep in thought.

"What about you?" I ask, somewhat dreading the answer.

"Eh... well... I..." he starts, and I can see how much he's struggling with this, so I decide to end his suffering.

"You don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable with it. Or maybe you don't really know, or you haven't told anyone yet, and that's okay. I only really want to know if you'd at least consider going out with me." I say, and he immediately looks extremely relaxed.

"Thank you..." he reply with a slight blush across his face, and I find myself wanting to touch his cheeks in order to check if they're as fluffy and soft as they look. I don't act on it though... I guess I have better self control than I previously thought.

"I... I guess... I guess we could... try..." hinata then say, his blush deepening to a darker shade of red, and I can feel the imaginary chains around my self control crack up, threatening to break.

"So you'll go out with me?" I ask, and I try not to get my hopes up because I know that there's a lot of sexualities out there, and what are the chances of him having one that corresponds to mine?

"... Yeah..." He replies so hesitantly and quietly that I'm sure that if I had stood even a centimetre further away from him then I wouldn't have heard him.

And thus began my relationship with hinata.

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So that was part one of my entry for day 22 of my kagehina month, I hope you like it, and as always; I won't add more chapters unless someone tells me they want more (this rule applies for all of my kagehina month entries)...


	2. Chapter 2

You can chose which one of the volleydork duo you want to start with, as chapter one will be from kageyama's point of view and chapter two will be from hinata's point of view. which one you want to start with is entirely up to you.

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[Hinata's pov]

Earlier today I heard someone call this guy "fag", yes it was used the same way you would use a swear, and I felt sorry for the guy. But most of all I felt sad. It felt kind of directed at me, in a way... it's hard to explain how that works, but think of it like this: Someone close to you are ranting about something you like or something that you have or something you are. And that would usually be a good thing, like yeah good for you, rant about this thing with this person. BUT they're not ranting about it as if it's something good, oh no, they're ranting about how much they hate it and wish that everyone who likes/have/are that could just disappear forever. And that's the kind of feeling I get whenever I hear things like that, just a smaller degree of that feeling.

I am fully aware that I should just ignore this stupid and ignorant guy, but I can't help feeling the way I do. Just like I can't help being gay. I never really understood how some people think that it's a choice. It's really not. If it really was a choice, then why would so many of us commit suicide because of it? Don't they realise that if it really was a choice then we would probably chose to change sexuality if things got too rough because of it? They can't change their sexuality, so why would they think that we can? How can they possibly think that it's a choice?

Now I get the one where they think it's some sort of disorder. I mean, I can see that one being rational enough, but still... And there's even people out there who think it's some sort of virus... I REALLY don't get that one... I mean a virus? really? What are they thinking? Would it be something like: "Oh no! My son has been too much around the GAY! He has caught it! HE HAS CAUGHT THE GAY!" I mean what is even going through their heads? If they're thinking something along those lines then let me tell you right now; the reason your son is gay is not because of some other guy. The reason he suddenly figured out that he's gay after interacting with another gay person is because he just found out that there's another option. He just figured out what was "wrong" with him. He just figured out that he's not the only one that feels this way.

How can some people think that it's that much different? Do they think it's some sort of sorcery? Do they think we're aliens? Do they think that we're from some sort of different realm where nothing makes sense? I literally cannot phantom what they're thinking... it's not that hard to understand either... even toddlers understand this better than some of the ignorant fucks out there.

Great, now I'm angry...

I just want time to go faster so I can play volleyball. I guess that in a way I use volleyball as a kind of escape mechanism. I give it my all and set my eyes on volleyball alone, and nothing else matters. Then again, everyone does this. We all have that one thing, or several things, that we escape to in order to not break under the pressure of life. Some people watch TV series, others listen to music or even make it themselves, then there's some who write down amazing stories and some who reads them. There's a lot of ways to escape life, and sometimes people escape it too much because it's unbearable, and other times they're unable to escape and give up on life when it breaks them down to nothingness.

I'm watching the clock tick tocking ever so slowly, watching time tick by, time I'm never going to get back. school is stupid... but then again, without school there wouldn't be any volleyball practice to go to for me... I would probably not have met all of my teammates. I wouldn't have gotten all the friends I have now. I wouldn't have been able to become a regular. I wouldn't have been able to play volleyball with kageyama. I wouldn't have met kageyama at all... I wonder what kageyama's sexuality is... I hope he's ga-OH MY GOD WHAT DID I JUST THINK!? I DID NOT JUST THINK THAT! But I kinda did...

Do I have feelings for kageyama!?

No I can't have, right? I would have noticed it, right? There should have been some sort of sign! I refuse to believe that I have fallen for kageyama... it's just that I want someone else to talk to about these kind of things... yeah that must be it. I just want to be able talk to someone else that's like me.

If it wasn't obvious by now then; I'm a closet case. The thought of coming out as gay terrifies me. Just telling people in itself is terrifying, and I struggled with that everyday until I gave up on ever coming out. I've heard so many people say bad things about people that are gay, and I've given up on trying to fight them on the matter. But the thing that made me completely give up on coming out was a relative. She's my aunt and she's completely different than my mom, because my mom is a loving wonderful person. My aunt on the other hand... she always gossip about everyone and she always say the most terrible things. Her son came out as bisexual just recently and the things she have been saying about him and his bisexuality... I'm pretty sure she's saying some of those things directly to him as well, because he moved out. But the worst thing is that she kind of controls the family, it's like whatever she say becomes law. And if she can drive her own son out of the family... I don't want my family to hate me... I don't want them to say bad things about me behind my back, and I don't want them to throw me away. But I want them to stop asking me whether I've gotten myself a girlfriend yet and if there's a cute girl I like too.

Do you see my dilemma? I don't want to sacrifice a part of me in order to, well, have a family, but I don't want to lose my family either. I know my mom will support me, and I'm sure natsu will when she get's enough knowledge about the subject. I'm not sure about my dad, but I think he'd eventually come around too. But if I do come out and my parents stand up to my aunt then she'll throw them away too. And I don't want them to suffer because of me. And that's why I've decided against coming out...

That and the fact that there's so many haters around, I wouldn't feel safe. And I don't want to lose any of my friends, and even though I know that most likely won't happen, because my friends isn't like that. I still am anxious about all of these things just by thinking about coming out. Maybe I'm just telling myself that it's impossible for me to come out because I'm too scared to actually do it. Maybe I'm just giving myself reasons to not come out because I can't handle the thought of it.

I hear the bell ring. Time really does fly when you're thinking about depressive things and are being angsty doesn't it?

I am pretty sure that I've set some sort of record for being the fastest person to leave the classroom by now, and I'm pretty sure that I somehow beat it right now. I arrive at the gym in record time, and of course there isn't anyone here yet. I wait for a while until I see a familiar person jogging up to me. It's kageyama, and suddenly my inner discussion with myself came back to me. We talked like usual and waited for the others like usual, but I couldn't help thinking about whether or not I like kageyama.

I didn't realise that I wanted him, on some level at least, until we changed in the clubroom.

So I think kageyama is hot... but still! That doesn't mean that I like him...

When practice was over however I learned that I have completely and utterly fallen for kageyama...

I've heard that falling for a teammate is bad, and I think that too. It would affect the way we play, and I don't want us to stop playing volleyball with each other because of this. So I don't have any other choice; I have to stop liking kageyama...

After a few days of trying intently to stop myself from feeling the way I do about kageyama I gave up. I instead started avoiding him. I can't avoid him during practice though, but I don't want to either. I originally wanted to continue playing volleyball with him after all. I thought that if I avoided him then my feelings for him would start to slowly disappear, but ding dong, I was wrong.

I've fallen too deeply for him...

Shit... I can't have a crush on kageyama! I just can't... I really don't want him to hate me. So I guess I'll just have to keep avoiding him so that he never finds out that my gay little heart accidentally became his...

That's what I vowed at least, but it would seem that kageyama have different plans considering that he's now currently blocking my way.

We somehow ended up being the only ones left in the clubroom, and as soon as I noticed that I finished up as fast as I could and scurried for the door. The only problem is that kageyama was one step ahead of me, and is now currently blocking the only exit.

"Why are you avoiding me?" Kageyama asks. I realise that there's no way for me to escape now, and I'm sure my expression resembles a deer caught in the headlights.

"I-I'm not avoiding you..." I lied.

"Yeah right. You've been trying your hardest to not be alone with me, and to not be with me more than necessarily. But let's forget about that for now... Hinata Shouyou, I always thought I was asexual, but it would seem I was mistaken... because I want you, so please go out with me." Kageyama said, and my mind goes completely blank. After a little while I start to be able to function to some degree again.

What? Did I hear what I think I just heard? That came so completely out of the blue... I didn't just imagine that, did I? No... I didn't... Kageyama wants me!? Does this make it all okay? No I guess not... I mean things could still go badly right? And what if we break up? I want to be with him... Holy shit... I actually want to never be away from him for too long... that's why me avoiding him for so long just fueled my feelings for him... because I want to be with him even more when I'm away from him for too long, I miss him... even though I see him everyday at school... I have real-

"Hinata?" he asks hesitantly after a while in correspondence to me being silent for so long, successfully snapping me out of my slightly hazed thoughts.

"I uh... so... does that mean you're gay?" I eventually ask. Is it possible that kageyama is the same as me? Did my wish get granted!?

"No, just because I'm male and like another male doesn't necessarily mean I'm gay... Or well I might be, but I don't think so seeing as I don't find anyone other than you attractive. I think I'm demisexual." he answers me truthfully.

"Oh..." I reply, and I can't help thinking about how blunt he's being, how easy this all seems to be for him to say. Where does he get that kind of confidence from?

"What about you?" he asks, and my head is spinning as I panic, trying to figure out how to respond to that question. What do I say!? I'm not like kageyama! I can't just suddenly...

"Eh... well... I..." I start, but I'm thankfully interrupted.

"You don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable with it. Or maybe you don't really know, or you haven't told anyone yet, and that's okay. I only really want to know if you'd at least consider going out with me." Kageyama say, and I'm relieved by those words. I'm really unprepared for this kind of conversation, and I'm generally trying to avoid coming out of the closet. It's just too sudden.

"Thank you..." I reply, my cheeks feeling hot signalizing a blush spreading across them.

"I... I guess... I guess we could... try..." I struggle to get out. My cheeks feel even hotter than earlier.

"So you'll go out with me?" he asks me, and it feels like my entire being is being spun around, and I feel so nervous that I'm on the verge of puking.

"... Yeah..." I reply so hesitantly and quietly that I'm not sure if he heard me at all, but that's really all I can manage at the moment.

And thus began my relationship with kageyama.

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So that was part two of today's entry for my kagehina month, I hope you like it, and as always; I won't add more chapters unless someone tells me they want more (this rule applies for all of my kagehina month entries)...


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